Several years ago, when my mother lived in a nursing home, I used to call my husband on the phone after a long day at work. “Honey,” I’d say, “I have to go visit mom before I come home.”
Can you hear the “have to” feeling I had in my voice? It was there. The subtext might have been, “(Sigh), It’s been a long day and now there is one more (rather unpleasant) thing I feel obligated to do.” The underlying message to myself was that something outside of me was making me do this (dutiful daughter image?), and if given a choice, I wouldn’t do it on my own. It was a “must” in my life.
Then I attended a coaching workshop that talked about the importance of language. I discovered just how powerful our words are! They define who we are—our geographic region, education level, and interests. They affect how others perceive us—we are harsh or kind, proud or humble, strong or weak. The words we use, with ourselves and others, have the power to shape how we think (you’re smart; you’re not college material, you’re just like your father).
As I listened to my language over the next few weeks, I was amazed at how often it sounded like victimhood rather than commitment. I did not want the time I had left with mom to feel like martyrdom. I moved my language from “have to” to “want to.” It signaled my desire to choose to be present for my mom. The talk in my head changed and I showed up differently. My intention was to BE with mom as frequently as my schedule allowed.
As leaders, we have lots of obligations in our lives and we frequently obligate others. So when we talk about these obligations, it is important to choose our words with intention. We have a responsibility to convey the attitude and meaning we really want to deliver.
Rather then conveying the heaviness of obligation, we can frame tasks as worthwhile or for a greater purpose. Moving, “I have to do this report,” to “I want to do this report to contribute to my team,” or, “I want to be a good team player,” changes the language from obligation and victimhood to possibility and preference. The locus of control is within you; you are choosing to do this for a good reason.
At the same time, we don’t want the “possibilities” and “preferences” we take on to lead us to plan and promise more than we can fulfill without struggle. When that occurs, we have over-promised, and put ourselves back into the mode and language of obligation. “I HAVE to do this because I promised that I would.”
Working with a leadership coach can help you ensure that your messages are clear. A coach will help you reduce the amount of “obligation” you have in your language without over-promising your commitments. Then you can convey the attitudes and presence you want yourself and others to bring to the workplace.
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