“Beyond our ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
Rumi
How often have you been in this situation? Something bad unexpectedly happens. A fight breaks out in the school hallway. The problem lands in your lap. And everybody is talking about who is to blame and how they should “pay.”
The problem, of course, is that whatever happened is usually a very complex problem. It’s more then who gave the first shove. Could be there is some bullying history involved. OR it could be the initial shove was unintentional: one kid twists his ankle momentarily bumping against someone else who is highly sensitive. Gruff, angry words follow and the fight begins in earnest.
As principal, I’ve often found myself in this kind of situation. Teachers wanted me to “throw the book” at the kids because otherwise there will be “anarchy in the halls.” Parents wanted to be sure the “other kid” got a serious punishment or wanted me to forgive the fight because “my kid was just standing up for himself like we’ve taught him to.” And neither kid involved thinks he or she is to blame. “Not my fault. He (or she) started it! ”
How do we get to the win-win here? How do we get people past assigning blame and punishment and into actually resolving the problem so that it doesn’t become a festering wound that continues to break open again and again?
We take them to the field beyond right and wrong. We ask each side to “own” what their part in the mess is. We ask them to make their intention explicit: what do they think would be the best way to resolve this for ALL parties? We ask them to explore alternative ways to respond when this happens again so that they don’t end up in the same mess. Sometimes we even practice what that would look like and sound like.
This approach didn’t always work for me, but in a lot of the cases it did. Tempers were calmed. Bridges were built. And new ways of handling anger were explored. What started out as chaos became a teachable moment.
What kind of leader do you want to be?
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