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Several years ago, when my mother lived in a nursing home, I used to call my husband on the phone after a long day at work.  “Honey,” I’d say, “I have to go visit mom before I come home.”

Can you hear the “have to” feeling I had in my voice?  It was there.  The subtext might have been, “(Sigh), It’s been a long day and now there is one more (rather unpleasant) thing I feel obligated to do.”   The underlying message to myself was that something outside of me was making me do this (dutiful daughter image?), and if given a choice, I wouldn’t do it on my own.  It was a “must” in my life.

Then I attended a coaching workshop that talked about the importance of language.  I discovered just how powerful our words are!   They define who we are—our geographic region, education level, and interests.    They affect how others perceive us—we are harsh or kind, proud or humble, strong or weak.    The words we use, with ourselves and others, have the power to shape how we think (you’re smart; you’re not college material, you’re just like your father).

As I listened to my language over the next few weeks, I was amazed at how often it sounded like victimhood rather than commitment.   I did not want the time I had left with mom to feel like martyrdom.  I moved my language from “have to” to “want to.”  It signaled my desire to choose to be present for my mom.  The talk in my head changed and I showed up differently.  My intention was to BE with mom as frequently as my schedule allowed.

As leaders, we have lots of obligations in our lives and we frequently obligate others.  So when we talk about these obligations, it is important to choose our words with intention. We have a responsibility to convey the attitude and meaning we really want to deliver.

Rather then conveying the heaviness of obligation, we can frame tasks as worthwhile or for a greater purpose.   Moving, “I have to do this report,” to “I want to do this report to contribute to my team,” or, “I want to be a good team player,” changes the language from obligation and victimhood to possibility and preference.  The locus of control is within you; you are choosing to do this for a good reason.

At the same time, we don’t want the “possibilities” and “preferences” we take on to lead us to plan and promise more than we can fulfill without struggle.  When that occurs, we have over-promised, and put ourselves back into the mode and language of obligation.  “I HAVE to do this because I promised that I would.”

Working with a leadership coach can help you ensure that your messages are clear.  A coach will help you reduce the amount of “obligation” you have in your language without over-promising your commitments.  Then you can convey the attitudes and presence you want yourself and others to bring to the workplace.

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By Marceta Reilly, PCC, and Diana Williams, PCC

“Coaching has been the BEST professional experience I have ever had!!” say our clients as they look back over their work year. And then they go on to describe all the marvelous things that have occurred for them personally and professionally as a result of their coaching.

What makes this magic happen?  Why does it result in real personal and professional growth in our clients?  How can 21^st century leaders use this skill to become even more effective in their work?

We believe coaching gets these rave reviews because it delivers a job-embedded, just-in-time, relevant, and individualized learning experience to clients. Coaching is consistent with the tenets of professional development as advanced by The National Staff Development Council which frames high quality professional development as consisting of context, process, and content components.

Leaders who are “coach-like” in their behaviors focus on co-creating relationships based on trust and being fully present with their colleagues and direct-reports.  These leaders-as-coaches become very clear about their purposes and authentic in their intentions. By modeling co-creation, they set the context for high quality professional learning and create a unique space for building the capacity of individuals with whom they work.

The process of coaching occurs through effective communication.  Leaders-as-coaches focus their energy on listening intently to clearly understand others.  They use powerful questions to mediate the thinking of the people with whom they work. They paraphrase and offer reflective feedback that stimulates thinking and solution-generation.  Rather than giving answers, offering advice, or telling stories about their own experiences, leaders-as-coaches push the thinking of others to devise their own best ideas.

The content of coaching is the “what-do-you-talk-about” that facilitates learning and results.  Leaders-As-Coaches help others create awareness about their purposes and intentions to change.  They assist thinking as others design actions and plan specific change steps.  They ensure that progress is monitored and accountability is embedded in the design.  Through these coach-like behaviors they foster and support significant and positive changes in their workplaces.

Put together in the coaching experience, the parts (context, process, and content) become greater than the whole; they become a synergistic model of high quality professional learning. This coaching model provides time and space for leaders to create new ideas, gain insight, and attain extraordinary personal growth not only for themselves but for those that they supervise. It is truly a necessary skill for the 21^st century leader.

Marceta Reilly and Diana Williams are Professional Certified Coaches (PCCs) have been coaching for more than fourteen years.   They are passionate about developing leaders who have competence, confidence, and courage to lead in the 21^st century.

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Coaching, like life, is all about relationships

More than twelve years ago, the National Staff Development Council initiated a crazy project.  Dennis Sparks, then executive director, thought that every principal and superintendent in high poverty schools should have the benefit of a coach to help them do their hard work of school reform.  Was I interested?  I was a successful school administrator and looking for a new opportunity, but I had absolutely no knowledge about coaching except that Dennis said it was life-changing and I liked to help people and systems change.    It was insane for me to consider such an off-the-wall idea, but I knew in my gut that this was the chance of a lifetime.

Since then I have learned some wonderful lessons from my coaching that have helped me form deeper relationships in my own life.

In coaching I learned that when people focus on their strengths and take action from that vantage point, they flourish.  So in my relationships with my adult daughters, I stopped trying to make them “perfect” by harping on the things they weren’t doing right (at least in my eyes!).   Instead, I began to notice and celebrate all the things they were doing so well.    It helped me show up as a caring friend rather than a meddling mother.

In coaching I learned that committed listening is a gift that our client’s crave.  So now I try to “just listen” to a friend orclose family member without my “expert hat” on.  The gift to me is that I am accepted by them as a highly trusted, wise friend, and I haven’t done anything but listen!

In coaching I learned that “being” is as important as “doing.”  We help our clients get clear about their core values and life goals so that they can show up authentically in whatever actions they take.  Now when I want to have an important conversation with a friend or colleague, I carefully examine my own intentions and goals first.  This helps me let go of emotional baggage and allows my authentic self to show through more clearly.

I believe the richness of life is measured by the quality of the relationships we have.   By spending time in building relationships we add joy and meaning to our lives!

Marceta Reilly, PCC, is a leadership coach and faculty member for Coaching For Results.  She is co-author with Linda Gross Cheliotes of the book, Coaching Conversations: Transforming Your School One Conversation At a Time, which is on the Corwin Press best seller list.  The same co-authors now have a second book published entitled Coaching Conversations in Your Daily Practice which tells stories of school leaders who have successfully implemented Coach Approach strategies in their leadership.

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Each year we work with school districts or programs which hire coaches for educators within their system.   Most of the time, even if the system provides some background about what coaching is, coachees come to us not really knowing what to expect.  Most are very interested, but also a little anxious about what coaching will be like, and they can’t imagine spending 45 minutes to an hour on the phone with someone they may not have met face-to-face!

So think of coaching as an investment—of your time and money—in  professional growth.   And how do you make the most of this investment?   You take control of five aspects of the coaching process that are in your hands.

Get clear about some specific goals you want to achieve during your coaching experience.What outcome(s) do you want from this investment of your time?  What would make this experience a really great value for you?  Write it down.  Let your coach know so that he or she can help you design a development path that supports your goal.

Ensure that you are in a quiet, private space without distractions for each call.  Make your calls a priority and let other staff know these calls are as important as conference time with a parent.  Ask someone to help remind you when the call time gets near & to help keep it free of distractions.

Send a prep form to your coach just before each call.  This helps you get focused & come to the call ready to jump into the work.   It also gives your coach some background about what has been happening since the last call and allows him or her to prepare things so that the time is well-utilized.

Do the work between calls.At the end of most calls, your coach will ask you what actions you will commit to do as a result of the conversation.  Doing the work propels you toward your goal(s).   And the difficulties or obstacles you meet along the way provide topics to discuss during the next call.

Ask your coach for feedback and observations about your progress.   It is your coach’s job to be honest with you and give you good feedback.  Your coach can provide a trusted perspective, and possibly a different point of view in looking at the data.  Having the conversation may make you feel vulnerable, yet it often opens up topics that can give you great insight.

Choosing to take control of these aspects of your coaching experience will make a big difference in your personal and professional growth.   And at the end of the contract you will say that coaching was the BEST professional learning experience you have ever had!

Marceta has been a coach and faculty member for Coaching For Results Global since it began in 2002 and has co-authored two book on the topic of coaching conversations.

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Singer-songwriter-coach Barbara McAfee sings a great story about a White Cow.   It goes like this:

On a small green island, is one white cow.
The grass there grows thick and tall.
All day the White Cow eats her fill,
till she’s eaten it all.

The sun sets.
The cow grows thin,
worried the grass
won’t grow again.

The light returns. 
To the cow’s surprise,
the grass is shoulder height. 
Every day there’s plenty.  
Every night she doubts.
White Cow, so do I.

I am this white cow.  No matter how often things work out.
Now can you tell me, how the poet knew, 700 years ago,
that a fretful woman, in the wee small hours,
would recognize this white cow? 

–Song lyrics by Barbara McAfee, Awake album

Do you know some leaders who suffer from the White Cow syndrome?    They worry all the time that their current good situation won’t last. They are worried that something—some problem or someone—is going to come along and ruin the strong and productive team or organization they have developed.  Things are just too good, so it can’t last.

Such thinking comes from a position of scarcity.  There is only so much good stuff in the world and my “allotment” is sure to end soon.

This thinking also leads to extreme competitiveness.    It makes people want to “fly under the radar” and not be too visible.   They don’t want to share good ideas because someone else might come and steal them.  They see others as competitors rather than as collaborators.

But you know what I have discovered?  Where there is good stuff happening, it attracts even more good stuff.   Positive energy expands exponentially when people open their hearts to gratitude and trust.    For some people it is not easy to do, but it is truly worth the effort.

So look around you.  See the world as lavish and  bountiful.  Open your heart to accept overflowing gratitude for what abounds in your life.   And rejoice—don’t retreat!

Then as the song says, instead of fretting in the wee small hours, say,

“White Cow, I think I might lie down and sleep tonight.”

Lyrics by Barbara McAfee, Awake album

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Ever wonder why some changes come so easily and others seem more like an impossible mission?  Here’s the truth about successful changes – for anything or anyone to change, someone has to start acting differently and that’s where it sometimes gets tough.  We may think we want to change and we may earnestly commit to the change, but unless we make changes in behavior, attitudes and thinking in such a way that the changes stick, our quest for change could become like congealed gelatin that loses its shape and returns to liquid.

So, what are a few simple ways to help wanted change stick?  Dan Heath and Chip Heath, in Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard, provide valuable information that can be of help with change.  Here are a few nuggets of information:

1. Get clear on what you want in the way of a change.  For example, “I want to become more coach-like in my leadership style.”
2. Identify some of the first signs you would expect to see when the change has happened.  Consider using the Miracle Question: “Sometime during the night, while you were sleeping, a miracle occurs and the change you want has actually happened. What’s the first small sign(s) you’d see that would tell you that your change has taken place?” You might answer, “I’d be holding conversations with staff members around our work goals and they would be doing much more of the talking than I and the conversations would lead to positive results in the workplace.”
3. Identify what’s currently happening, even a little bit, that will help you get to the change you want.  You might say, “I’m already holding scheduled meetings with my staff around goal progress and there are times when I’m asking questions and listening to them, instead of just telling them what I think or want.
4. Find your current “bright spots” and do more of it. You might think, “When I ask my staff thought-provoking questions in a non-threatening atmosphere, they step up to the plate, think through a situation, gain new insights and become motivated to take new actions.  I’m acting like a coach.  They like this and so do I. I’m going to do more of this.”

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It’s February.  This is the time of year when the “doldrums” can set in.  It is a time when the have-to’s begin to take center stage in our work.  You know what I am talking about—those things we have to do—organizing testing of students, preparing for teacher negotiations, completing teacher evaluations.  These are often not our favorite things to do, but we are obligated to do them as a part of our jobs.  So we find ourselves making excuses or using delay tactics in getting started, and generally lacking in energy or effort for the work.

In one of our seminars we teach the Ladder of Language and explain the difference between have to’s  and want to’s.

• A have-to is a burden.  Most of the impetus for the task is driven from outside of us.  We don’t have much desire or energy to do the task, but we make ourselves do it because we are a “team member” or want to “be a good soldier.”
• A want-to is a priority.  It is a personal choice and so we have energy and interest in getting to the task and doing it well.  Completing the task gives us personal satisfaction.

Neuroscience is teaching us that the way we speak and the words we choose to use are a window into our mind.   So we can control our attitude and how we show up for a task by merely being more intentional about the language we use.

You can almost hear the sagging shoulders and heavy sighs with, “I have to do 10 more teacher evaluations.”   Do you really want to show up like a chore master?  The task will be completed – all the i’s will be dotted and the t’s will be crossed—but  the thinking (and subsequent actions) of the participants will not be impacted.

Instead, think about what you want to communicate and how you want to show up.   The same tedious task magically morphs when you hear, “I want to have evaluations conversations with 10 more teachers.”  In this example, you are showing up ready to have interesting conversations with teachers about what is going on in classrooms.   Not only will the task be completed, but new thinking and ideas have a possibility of emerging for both participants.

So in these last dark days of winter, watch your language to make sure that the have-to gremlins don’t take over!  Choose want-to language so that you show up purposeful and energetic no matter what the task.

Marceta has co-authored two book on the topic of coaching conversations.

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I recently read a good book entitled, The Gift of Years by Joan Chittister.   It is interesting because it talks about three stages of “old”.  There are the young old, 65 to 74; the old old, 75 to 84; and the oldest old, 85 and over.  The book intrigued me because I came to understand that adolescents aren’t the only ones who have anxieties about “finding themselves.”

I remember in my own life, during our “raising kids” era, I thought the mothering duties would never end!  And then suddenly–the kids were out of the nest, and I had the whole rest of my life in front of me!  What did I want to do with it?  How did I want to evolve into my own person and give up the full time mother role?

I had the same anxieties when I took early retirement from school administration.  Who was I without my school? My district?  My career title?  And now here I am, at the door of “young old” and wondering when I want to take social security and what that means about my productivity, my purpose, and my goals.  Who am I now and how do I want to “be” in my senior years?

It’s a perfect time for me to find a coach!  People often think that coaching is best for newbies and those getting started in some new role.  And that is very satisfying  work.    Yet as a coach, I have found the process to be most exciting when I am working with a seasoned person who is discerning new paths, new horizons, new ways to “be. ”  The conversations are about redefining strengths and applying them to new pathways in order to discover new possibilities in life.

So even veteran coaches value having a personal coach, especially at key times of their lives.Coaches help us get through the fog of uncertainty and so we can emerge strong, confident, and clear in our purpose and goals—no matter what our stage of life is.

What will be your signals to reach out for a coach?

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